“Bearing One Another, Sometimes Barely!”
Ephesians 4:1-6
Rev. Christopher English

I.    Introduction
This morning, we are going to pick up where we left off in our journey through the Book of Ephesians.  We have been studying together now for eight months what it means for us to embrace our calling to be a missional congregation. By way of reminder, a missional congregation is one who simply keeps the main thing, the main thing!  And the main thing for each local congregation and the global Church of Jesus Christ is to glorify God by living and proclaiming the gospel with power that results in lost people being saved, and saved people becoming devoted, passionate followers of Jesus Christ!

One critical component of being a Biblical, healthy, loving, missional congregation is learning how to live together as a community in unity.  Such unity requires learning how to honor and respect one another at all times, and how to resolve conflict in healthy ways.  That is the topic of our Bible study passage and so of our sermon this morning,   

II.    Exposition

a.  A call to unity: of course there is conflict in the Church!
Throughout the Bible, such as in our study passage, God gives His people very detailed instructions on how to live together in unity, mutual support, and love.  Why did God feel it necessary to give us such detailed instructions?  Because He knew we would have a hard time getting along at times!   

Here’s an amazing dynamic I see repeated both in marriage counseling and in hearing why people leave active fellowship from a church.  The couple will say, “I don’t understand why we fight.  I didn’t expect marriage to be so hard!”  

The offended church goer will say, “I just can’t believe that so and so could have said such a thing.  Aren’t we Christians suppose to always love one another?”  Then they either stay in community but will hold a grudge and slander that person behind their back, or many use this as an excuse to separate from a congregation all together.

What is the common element is each of these situations?  It is a naïve, childish, understanding of love and what it means to be a Christian.  Such an immature view of relationships believes that love is a feeling (first mistake) and that love means the absence of conflict.  

Such a shallow view of what is means to be a Christian believes that being a Christian somehow makes us exempt from ever saying hurtful things.  

Brothers and sisters, let none of us be guilty of embracing such dangerous naivety about relationships!  If it is impossible for just two people to live in the same house to avoid all conflict, it is certainly a given that when you put 25, 50, a hundred or more people into the same congregation, who spend 1-4 hours a week together to not have conflict.  
The question in a friendship, in parenting, in a marriage, in a congregation is not will there be conflict, but how will you process the conflict.  

World leaders long ago come to the sobering reality that there will be wars, and so they came up with the Geneva Convention rules for warfare.  I tell couples who I counsel that they too need to come up with a “Geneva Convention” for their marriage that lays down the rules of engagement so that when they fight, because they will, they will do so in a way that maintains mutual honor and respect.  In fact, I do a whole marriage seminar on this topic.

We as a local congregation need to do the same.  And this morning, I am going to present the beginnings a covenant agreement, based on Matthew 18, which I hope we can all sign on to.

Let’s first explore what God has to say, through the apostle Paul, about living together in unity.
 
b.  Our counter-cultural call to live a life worthy of our calling
Our study passage begins with a phrase that is the common way that Paul would make his transition from high theology to practical application in his letters.  Verse 4 declares, “Live a life worthy of your calling.”  This is a foundational truth to living out our Christian faith that you will hear me declare repeatedly because we all so easily forget this.   

Our ability to be like Christ, to live a life of faith, hope, and love flows out of being in an intimate relationship with Christ, is only possible in the power of the Holy Spirit, not our own character and will power, and is empowered by living out of our true identity as children of God.  The pattern in the New Testament letters is always this:  This is who God is, this is who you are as an adopted child of God, now live in a manner worthy of this calling.

The word “worthy” in our study passage literally means “to balance the scales,” our deeds should match our doctrine, our walk should match our words, and our conduct should match are calling.  

So our ability to live in unity and harmony with others within a local congregation, many of whom we might never choose to hang with other wise, and some of whom, quite frankly, get on our nerves, is not something that comes easily, or naturally, but must be supernaturally empowered by God’s Word and presence in the Holy Spirit.

c.  This call to unity flows out of being engaged in Trinitarian relationship with the Trinity and each other.
So this call to unity in our study passage is founded on who we are in Christ, and then the apostle Paul also grounds this call in the Trinitarian nature of God.  In verse 4-6 we read that our unity in grounded in the reality that there is “One Spirit,” “One Lord,” and “One God and Father of all” in whom we have “One faith,” and “One baptism.”

This is very hard to explain in a short amount of time, but our life together as a local congregation is meant to reflect the kind of relationship that exist between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, this is what is meant by “Trinitarian relationships.”  

So what does the relationship within the Trinity look like?  It is a relationship of perfect unity yet a celebrating of diversity.  It is a relationship of mutual submission.  It is a relationship of mutual enjoyment of each other, and of honoring one the other above oneself, and it is a relationship full of gratitude.  It is a relationship of each person of the Trinity always trying to outdo the other in loving the other!  

These are the characteristics that should define our relationships between one another as the family of God!

d.  Out of this calling and foundation we are to strive to display the virtues of humility, gentleness, patience, and forbearance.
.So the apostle Paul in our study passage lays down this foundation of who we are in Christ, and the model we have for relationships within the Trinity, and then he admonishes us in verse 2 to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.:  Humility, gentleness, patience, and forbearance, theses are the chief virtues required to live in unity as the Body of Christ.  So let’s examine these virtues is greater depth.

Humility:  In Greek culture, humility was thought of as a vice, to be practiced only by slaves.  Christ came and taught us that humility is a character trait of God, and therefore it should true of us as God’s children as well.  Humility is not to think poorly of oneself, that’s false humility.  Humility is to think rightly of one’s self based on God’s evaluation of who we are.  And who does God declare us to be?  

We are sinners worthy of eternal damnation who cannot take a single second of our life and offer it up to God as free from corruption.  We are saints who are fully forgiven and declared to already be holy and dearly loved because the Father sees us as hidden in Christ!  When we live in that sinner/saint tension we are stripped of all pride, self-righteousness, and judgementalism of others, and this empowers us to live in unity with others.

Gentleness:  The root word here literally means “meek.”  But to be meek is not to be weak.  Many when they think of someone who is meek, especially a meek guy, they think of a wimpy little girly man.  Jesus was meek, and Jesus was no wimp!  As one commentary defined it, “Meekness is the opposite of self-assertion, rudeness, and harshness. It suggests having one’s emotions under control.”  Such meekness, that does not ever engage in being rude or harsh or responding out of fleshly emotions, is required for us to live in unity.

Patience: The word here literally means “longsuffering,” the ability to endure to the end especially in times of adversity. Patience is the self-restraint which does not hastily retaliate a wrong.  All relationships takes the virtue of patience and longsuffering to remain healthy and satisfying.  Why?  Because we are sinful people interacting with other sinful people, and we all say and do stupid, inconsiderate, sometime very hurtful things.  

Here’s what our passage is saying in the most blunt of terms.  You who get your feathers all ruffed at every petty comment or who get all in a tizzy about how others do things that you think you could do better: Get used to it, grow up, and get over it!  You cannot maintain healthy relationships if you are thinned skinned or hold grudges.  

Forbearance:  In our verse, Paul states that these virtues enable us to “bear with one another in love.”  This word “bearing” literally means forbearance, or tolerance.  Dietrich Bonheoffer said that “Authentic Christian community is a miracle!”  Think about what we just assume will happen without much hard work (and so of course it doesn’t happen): we put together in a local congregation people of different life stages, ages, gender, backgrounds, education levels, economic levels, different political leanings, a wide variety of musical tastes, and then say, “now you all act like a loving family who know each other intimately and delight in one another deeply!

This is why the virtue of forbearance is so mandatory to maintain unity in our congregation.  You see, unity is not conformity!  Like the Trinity, we are to embrace and celebrate each other’s diversity.  Indeed, it is this diversity of gifts, and worship styles, and preferences, and even theology on secondary issues that makes us colorful, appealing, and spurns us to grow in grace and truth.  For example: Some of you like …I like…  So instead of judging or criticizing the different views of another, embrace them, learn from them, celebrate them!

e.  These virtues then empower us “make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit.”
The key phrase here is “make every effort!”  The word effort here literally means to exert one's self, to endeavor, to give diligence to.”  This again strongly emphasizes that living together in such unity is first of a divine command, and that it requires intention, preserving hard work done in the power of the Holy Spirit.

This divine command part is deeply confronting.  It means that there is simply no place in a Christian’s life to be speaking negatively in a gossiping, slanderous manner about anyone, especially a brother or sister in Christ. Now I may be naive or blind, but I do not think this is a major issue within this congregation.  But if any of us are ever guilty of sitting around a table somewhere or conversing in the corner of this building, or gathered anyplace and talking bad about a brother or sister, judging them, criticizing them, belittling them, speaking ill of them in any manner, then we are sinning!

The Bible lists such gossip and slander right along side immorality, adultery, murder etc in the sin lists that brings God’s wrath!  And the response to sin is always the same, seek God’s forgiveness, the forgiveness of the person you’ve been putting down, and repent, that is, stop engaging in any manner of talking bad about others behind their backs!  If we don’t, the devil is going to tear us apart and significantly impede God’s work through this Body!

Bottom line of this sermon is this folks:  Strong and satisfying relationships, whether it is between friends, parent/child, neighbors, coworkers, in a marriage, or in a local congregation do not just happen naturally.  They require hard work!  They require intentionality, prioritizing, planning, learning relationship skills, practicing those skills. They require commitment, grace, and the Holy Spirit.  

So the question that God’s Word confronts us with this morning is, "How are we doing in working hard to maintain healthy relationships in our life?"  Are we putting in the time, energy, and effort to intentionally work on strengthening our relationships, or are we mostly just figuring this will somehow happen by default instead of by design?  I can confess to you right now that I have not been putting in the needed time and effort to keep my relationships as strong and satisfying as God wants them to be!  

And what about the relationships we have here within this local congregation called Third Presbyterian Church?  How much effort, time, and intentionality are we putting into making these relationships as strong as they need to be?  It seems to me that we are mostly just figuring that we can all get along, love one another well with very little skill building on how to do so.  This is clearly one of the things that we’ll need to improve as we pursue missional transformation.

In fact, we going to lay out the beginnings of a framework—that we will flesh out on greater detail later— for engaging in intentional agape relationships right now in regards to dealing with conflict in a Biblical, healthy manner.


III.    Application
a.  The Matt 18 Principle

Matt 18:15-17:
15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'   17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

Now this text has a much broader application in regards to church discipline.  For our purposes this morning, we are going to draw from this passage what is called the Matthew 18 principle.  The principle is this: When someone offends you, don’t go and complain about it to someone else.  Go to that person, and in humility, meekness, patience, forbearance, and love speak with that person about how his or her actions were perceived by you and how it made you feel.

Here is a key truth about conflict: Most offenses are a result of misunderstand another’s heart and not actual ill intent by another toward you.  That is why going to the person, again, not in anger or seeking revenge or to insist on your rights, but in humility, gentleness’s, respect, and Christian love and privately clarify with the person what was in his or her heart when they said or did the action that you received as offensive.

Another source of conflict and disunity within a congregation is the breaking of confidence.  When you hear of a personal matter regarding another, and it was shared with you in a confidential manner such as in private, or in a small group, or a committee meeting, or during a prayer time, please treat that information as sacred, and do not share it with another (even disguised as a prayer request!) unless you know you have permission directly from the person to do so.


b.  “Carefronting” Principles
 -  Focus on the specific offending behavior, and do not attack the character of the person
 -  Avoid terms like “you always” or “you never”
 -  Give the person the benefit of the doubt
 -  The X,Y,Z principle.  When you say/do X, in situation Y, it makes me feel Z, is that the way you want to treat me?

c.  Entering into a Unity Covenant

Unity Covenant

By God’s grace, we now enter into a covenant with our brothers and sisters in Christ here at Third Presbyterian Church.  We will always choose the way of honoring and respecting one another.  We will not engage in any gossip, ill talk, or the breaking of confidence about another.  We will always follow the path of using the Matthew 18 principle. We will seek to “live a life worthy of our calling, and to be completely humble, gentle, patient, and bear with one another in love.” We will “make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”  So help us God!